SWG 2nd Birthday Party at the Holiday Inn

(10th July 2004)



Scoffed food. Got ver' drunk. Attempted photography. Read something about it here.



The morning after


I'm feeling okay after this year's event, primarily because drinks at the venue were so expensive that the Bank of England had to raise its base rate! I also volunteered to be photographer and reporter for the night, which required consciousness. I'm now looking at the list of 'memorable incidents' for this write up, and yes, I took notes! How else would I remember Martyn and er...Dave? Two names remembered this time round isn't bad going for me. The appearance of my handwriting degrades from neatly written to drunkenen sshcrawllingsh. I'm chortling to myself about some amusing key words, but I'll be buggered* if I know what I meant at the time!


The beginning


My guest and I arrive at the venue, and I meet up with my girlfriend, who is looking apprehensive having organised, with J-Clo™, most aspects of the event for our group. I feel a need to help the committee do some final preparations and help distribute some of the menu‑choice slips - to Martyn and er...Dave. Everyone looks smart and glamorous, though the jury's out for the two blokes wearing sarongs! On this occasion, I even used a steam iron and treated myself to the"Three S's". Go figure!


The middle


The hotel‑staff promptly summon us to our function room, as dinner is ready. We take our seats and socialise with some people we wouldn't usually have done, and that's good to do so. To break the ice, a napkin that's knotted at each corner to form a hat, is passed around the table and our silly behaviour provides many photo‑opportunities. I do an impression of a "Gumby" character from Monty Python. Topping that act, a couple of green‑coloured party poppers stuck into my ears completes my impression of "Shrek", and by jove, you could barely tell the difference! There is much guffawing. A spot of balloon volleyball provides seconds of entertainment, until it lands upon a lit candle. Everyone around is dosed with a fine mist of exploding spittle! Nice.


The meal is excellent from start to finish, and with portions that big, the caterers have probably wiped-out an entire ecosystem; that is if it consisted of sheep, ducks and vegetables...The verdict from a connoisseur pie‑eater was, "it's a grand feed". I'm thinking, "But sir, it is only a waffer-thin mint?!" Never trust a slim chef, that's what I say...One gent struggles to do up his waistcoat, and he begs me to believe that it fitted before the feast. It now looks like a corset!


It's onto the dance floor with DJ Criminal-record (Ministry-of-Cheese™), playing his toons from the 80's and 90's. I'm asking, "Is this in the hit parade?" Well, you lot haven't let us down when strutting your stuff in this hot room, judging by the many pints of sweat...Steady on, Lesley! And less of that air guitar, Mr Wrist! The most memorable dancing has to be the group session of Yogic-flying to "Nellie the Elephant" by the Toy Dolls - yes, come on now, you WILL remember! The dance floor appears to be very slippy during a period of Madness, or are people just mad dancing to Chesney? Ah yes, Suggs has got many of you trying to stay upright to "Baggy Trousers" and "One Step Beyond". There was some Kylie, with that Postal‑Order remix, and Yazoo with "The only way is up". Add a dash of Shirley Bassey, Steps and Cotton-eyed Joe, and a finish with the predictable Frank Sinatra. But who was it that shared their farts around the room all night?!


The end


Oh it's a battle zone out there as we compete for taxis with the other party at the hotel. We grab one taxi almost immediately, having taken the initiative to hail it after a drop-off. The taxi arrives at our homes, and we are all glad of our comfy beds for another night. Hoped you enjoyed it.


TTFN, Rick.


P.S. No wall‑to‑wall vomit was experienced during production of this article. May contain traces of humour.


References: * Not to be confused with "being Rogered". No, it wasn't me!